There I Am

One of the things that people warned me about as I was preparing to go abroad was a tendency for students to confuse their sense of identity. They told me I would likely question what it really means to be American, female, short, a student, etc. In sum, that I would begin to wonder what really defines Katie Fullerton in this new, foreign landscape and culture. I'm essentially experiencing the opposite of this.

Displacement to a different city along with a couple hundred other college students from various parts of America has drawn into stark relief what exactly defines me. I feel independent and unique among peers. Those essential characteristics that distinguish me remain the same as I navigate these new situations. I still love to exercise, cook and eat healthy food, sleep late, and read. I'm still not a fan of crowded places. I still can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke or alcohol. I still draw comfort from music, walking, and yoga. I still value integrity and the ability to listen, to others and to oneself, most in people. I still love the same people that I loved when I was in Austin and Greensboro.

It is deeply affirming to realize that I am a constant in this new climate. Living in a foreign city tests my values and priorities by placing me in new situations. My familiar reactions in these unfamiliar circumstances point to the definitive aspects of my self. Some of these characteristics I was already aware of. I knew that I wasn't into partying and that I liked to workout, for example. Other characteristics, however, I have been pleased to discover. I've been surprised by my sense of comfort, ease, and independence here when exploring the city on my own. I've been happy to find that when my roommates go out for the evening and I stay at the apartment, I am not doing so out of judgement or social anxiety, but out of a genuine desire to stay in.

It is such a pleasant experience to find myself at home in my own skin, my own decisions, and my own life. I wonder at myself in awe, the way that a child might repeatedly try to squish an ice cube they saw first as water. How did that amorphous blob that was running every which way and filling every crevice turn into this, a solid object with defined edges and dimensions?

It is usually fairly obvious when people have a firm concept of themselves. They carry themselves with more confidence and seem to view others as they view themselves: non-threatening, interesting, and important. But, from within, I can't say that it was obvious to me that I was becoming more of a solid concept. It is still a surprise to me when I feel my feet touch solid ground beneath this abyss of a world I am treading in. Each time, I am awed, thinking, "Aha, there I am." And I filled with relief and gratitude for this ground on which I am to wander.